not exactly what i had in mind

It may just be coincidental but since my sister left yesterday I’ve felt anxious. A kind of nebulous, shallow-breathed, uncertainty has been shifting around inside me. I cast about for reasons, and find some, money, missing my sister, the rain, Xi’s cough, and although these things at times felt intolerable I could still tell that my malaise was a deeper one and one not easily remedied.

Fortunately my sister left me not only fond memories but also her month long yoga pass of which she had only used a portion. A yoga class!? The last yoga class I attended was prenatal. Since then, if conditions are just right I am able to slide out my old green mat and bend around a bit, but a class? In order to get myself downtown at a particular time without children is a monumental feat for me. I have chosen to encourage attachment in my children which means, in short, they are attached to me and ducking out on short notice isn’t something I often do.

But a free pass and a tummy full of nervous energy seemed like the perfect motivation to get me to Inner Harmony at noon. And the stars were aligned perfectly. Nathan, my beloved, had his papa hat on, ready to shift and juggle as much as we needed to get me out the door. In fact we even managed to dig out some hole free yoga clothes, walk the dog, dress and feed the children, and get downtown with time to spare. Things were looking good. I even had enough time to escort them to our favorite cafe where they would munch on bagels while I twisted and stretched at the studio down the street. Happy to be with Papa and part of a plan to please Mama, the girls cheerfully waved me out the door.

This is where I remind you about my scattered and anxious state of mind. Because just as I am stepping out of the industrial back door of the cafe, a door I have used hundreds of times, I nearly banged my head on it as I swung it toward me. I narrowly avoided the blow by sliding my body around the edge and then….

I SLAMMED THE DOOR ON MY FINGERS.

It was obvious to me that I was falling victim to my own scattered state, so I shook my fingers in a sad ouchy kind of way and made my way towards yoga class where I would be able to settle into my own flesh, and still my mind. But then I looked down and saw blood. A lot of blood. By the time I stumbled back into the cafe and showed Nathan my wound I was sweating, the room was spinning, and I was about to pass out. Head between my knees and three worried loved ones petting my arm is how I spent my allotted yoga hour.

Darn it.

I guess if I was looking to get back into my body the throbbing fingers are doing a mighty fine job. Five hors later they are still pulsing in a sickening way, but I rather like the deep breathing and soothing voiced instructor version I was imagining better.

I know there are all kinds of lessons to be learned with this one. I don’t know if I should be thankful to the Universe for granting my wish, as I am certainly more centered, or mad at her for denying me a yoga class after so many years. I guess I will choose to trust. Who knows why anything happens. Maybe there was a gas leak at the yoga studio and my smashed fingers spared my life.

In any case, I no longer feel anxious. The rush of endorphins took care of that. But I do feel tender and vulnerable, a little accident like this makes me aware of how shoddily we are built, mere skin and bones so easily mangled, and how quickly things can change.

We aren’t in charge of anything.