Posts tagged ‘santa cruz’

and so it begins

This is the last day with dad. If today is anything like the other last days of his other visits it will be filled with laughter and smiles that are tinged by sorrow and dread. We will make the best of it, but unlike the first day of the visit, full of excitement and anticipation, the last day is heavy with knowing what lies ahead.

My father will return to his life that he loves, his beautiful house, his routine walks in the woods, and his rich career, a life that is awesome, aesthetically pleasing and accomplished, but something will be missing. He won’t have granddaughters in his midst and the permanent grin they bring to his face. He also won’t have his daughter to walk beside, to calm his soul by being near.

And I will return to our normal life. We will go grocery shopping, to play group, and to the river, loving our girls, our friends, and this majestic valley we are nestled within. But we won’t have a grandpa in our midst. We won’t have that extra comfort of one more person that loves us with all his considerable might.

It’s great having a dad that loves so much, so willingly. Every father’s day I thank him for how he has been with us, for providing a model to follow. I have thriving adult relationships because he has shown me what it feels like to be loved in a complete way. He has always been a large, powerful figure, smiling achingly in our direction. He pumps his fist in exhilaration when we reach our goals, he grabs his heart in pain when we meet with sorrow. He has always been this way, a current of undying love.

To be near him feels good. It’s really as simple as that.

May 25, 2010 at 7:56 am 3 comments

not hating

It’s winter here now.

I sure have loved the way this year’s seasons have played out. The summer was really long. We were still swimming in the river in late September. Yes! And fall was long too, mostly sunny, not too cold. Even Halloween, usually the most frigid night of the year, was relatively balmy. Long summer and fall mean a shorter winter, I hope.

Yesterday I tortured myself by looking at some pictures of a friend’s birthday party, celebrated in Santa Cruz, my home town. They lounged outside! In November! In shirtsleeves! There was lush vegetation filling the background. Things were actually growing, not half dead and dormant. So it was tough today when I took the garbage out and the icy cold air, that immediately penetrated my sweater, let me know that winter had officially arrived. Nevertheless I’ve decided to embrace it, and love it, or, at least… not hate it.

And what did I find? Beauty of course.

This is where I live. It is not Santa Cruz, it is not lush, it is almost an alpine dessert, and it will have it’s own unique brand of beauty. It’s about time I love it unconditionally, meaning, even when it is winter.

The girls, on the other hand, figure if it is sunny then it must be warm, and they dress appropriately for all seasons, except winter.

December 3, 2009 at 5:00 am 1 comment

home again, home again

homeAfter the blue, yellow, and peach tones of Santa Cruz we are back to the green, brown, and rust tones of Missoula.

The girls, figuratively speaking, went from the big strong arms of their loving Granpa to the big strong arms of their loving Papa. A fair trade, yes, but one that brings strong emotions. Sadness and happiness at the same time. Glad to see Papa. Sad to leave Granpa. Glad to be home and sad to be back at the same time.

Strong feelings for Mama too. Between the parentheses of Santa Cruz and Missoula there was a car ride, flight, long layover, flight, and another car ride. This time the girls did not bask in the praises of fellow travelers. They slept, fought, and cried throughout. I reminded myself that they are indeed “good” children nonetheless. I gave them, and myself, heavy doses of empathy for our plight.

And now we are home and attempting to find ourselves again within the scents of this house and the objects we left behind. Smiling widely at the frantic swing of Henry dog’s tail, sinking easily into Nathan’s aura and our soft bed, musing gently over the ability to hold powerful and different feelings at the same time.

To use the Feeleez poster to describe these feelings I think we might have to snip, rip, and cut each little illustration into tiny pieces, mix it with water and warm it on the stove.

October 4, 2009 at 6:20 am Leave a comment


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