sexy no matter what my boobs look like

April 19, 2010 at 8:32 am 4 comments

We are just a month away from Echo’s third birthday and I find myself reflecting. All the typical words come to mind: journey, adventure, life changing, etc. And it’s all true, there is nothing that changes your life like children.

I was hiking dogs in the woods before Echo was born. Picking up fourteen canines from all over town and loading them into a converted school bus, heading into the woods and climbing six miles of hills before loading them back in again and returning them to their suburban homes. It was awesome. At the end of the day I was dirty and satisfied. In between hikes I loved on Nathan, cared for Bella and Xi, and watched two other sweet children in our home. A couple of nights a week, because we share the girls, Nathan and I could hit the town and live like a kid-less couple out in the music and dancing world. It was a fantastic mix.

My sense of womanhood was filled out by the varying aspects of my life. Grubby and alone in the woods with those dogs I still felt womanly. I was powerful and in charge, strong in my body, connected to the earth I walked on. This being Montana and essentially people free outside the edges of town, I even found opportunities to strip down to my bare skin and feel the sun on my breast. Womanly indeed. Other days, my head bent over a craft at our kitchen table, my long hair tickling a little girl’s cheek, I got to experience the mama-ness of womanly-ness. Mixing batter for cakes, frying tofu for tikes, even sweeping my kitchen was all rife with femininity. And then, sashaying my booty on a dark dance floor, walking hand in hand down late night streets, sleeping until midday, our nocturnal adventures mixed among the tangle of our limbs, gave opportunities for that kind of womanhood  to show itself as well.

With pregnancy my well thought out sense of womanhood got turned on its head. On the one hand I never felt more womanly. I was growing another human being inside of me, which felt both ultra feminine and also fucking cool! It really is a miracle no matter how many times it happens. Rounder edges, bigger boobs, a swollen taught belly, it is all so beautiful and goddess-like it’s hard not to feel like the most sexy woman in all the land. But on the other hand, my body certainly was no where near the boobs -waist-hips ratio that we have been taught over a lifetime of media coverage, and some may argue, through our primal cave-man brain, to think of as sexy. And on some days, no matter how connected to a universal feminine energy I felt, the elastic waistline of my maternity jeans just didn’t feel that attractive.

And then, my baby was born. And for me that meant that I only had eyes for that baby. My body and sense of self beyond those little limbs simply did not exist. But when I did tune in I noticed my self-perception wavering. My boobs were still big and beautiful, but they were spurting milk and I couldn’t help but see them as primarily food providers. The fact that any interaction with them drenched both Nathan and I, didn’t help much. My belly was flat-ish again, but my interest were not even close to sashaying my booty on a dance floor. The markers I was using to define my womanly self previously were no longer useful.

Now even more time has passed and I find myself with children walking next to me, no longer in my belly and no longer strapped to my body. Sometimes I am even walking alone, just another woman on the river trail. I don’t want to be the single twenty something girls I see in the coffee shop. I wouldn’t trade my experience, my wisdom, my rich relationships for that life, or even those bodies, however stretch-mark free they might be. In fact, even when I compare myself today to the woman I was before, I know I feel more womanly and more sexy now than ever before.

I guess it all makes sense. At one point in time I identified myself as a vegetarian. At another time I was a baker. It isn’t crazy that other parts of my identity would shift as well, including my sensuality. And although this is natural, the more I look back and chronicle the shifts, the more inclined I am to loosen it all up, to set my sexual/feminine identity free from the shape of my body. To set my sense of womanhood free from dance floors or kitchens. Having a baby, like any life adventure, has brought me closer to myself, but perhaps the closer I get to who I am, the less I will need to define myself.

I’d like that.

ps. I should mention that neither of these images is me, just in case you were wondering. I found them by simply googling “feminine”. Pretty cool.

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Entry filed under: life lessons. Tags: , , , .

it’s official intermixing worlds

4 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Hilaree  |  April 20, 2010 at 4:45 am

    Both photographs are beautiful…but I love, love, love this second one. Thanks. At first glance I thought it was a baby’s bottom nestled on her arm. That’s sort of where I am these days. Difficult to distinguish my body parts from the tangle of children limbs.

    Reply
  • 2. Lauren Acker  |  April 20, 2010 at 11:28 am

    oooohhh I relate so much with everything you just wrote!

    Reply
  • 3. Alyssa  |  April 20, 2010 at 1:04 pm

    that brought tears to my eyes, thank you!

    Reply
  • 4. Isha  |  April 20, 2010 at 5:03 pm

    Wonderful, beautiful post!

    Reply

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