oh universe

February 17, 2010 at 10:34 pm 2 comments

Lately there has been an opportunity for steady money floating in the air, and for the last week I have been living my life as though this opportunity was not just an idea but the actual reality of our life… and I liked it.

Then today there was a phone call that let me know I shouldn’t have “counted my eggs before they were hatched”.

Bummer.

My face went flush. I asked a lot of questions. But simply put, they went with the other guy, or girl.

Darn.

I couldn’t tell right away what it was that I was feeling in response. Then I realized it was anger. At the Universe. If you are perfect for something, and that something comes along, and the people in charge of that something think you are also perfect for that something, then why isn’t that something ours? What more can a person do, or be? So then I was like, (head bobbing and weaving), alright Universe, if this isn’t what you are offering, then the alternative better be good.

And I know it will be… (or is already, we have certainly been blessed in our self-employment). There is a bright side. The stability vs. flexibility dichotomy is certainly one to ponder, as I want to be in Mexico with Kris next February, and employers don’t usually go for that gone-for-over-a-month kind of thing. Employers don’t usually even like you to duck out to see your child at her dance class. And that’s the kind of thing we like to do. In fact all the kid focused stuff is the stuff we like to do, so maybe it is better to live in the world of unsteady, but flexible income.

If I’m honest with myself I can see that the fearful part of me wants steady income, even if it means selling our souls to the working-for-someone-else devil. But underneath that fear is the real me, the fearless me, the artist me, the completely confident me. If I live through her I’m fine.

But back to feeling mad. Feeling mad at the Universe is a tricky place to be, it borders on blasphemous, or at the very least ungrateful, a feeling I am not too comfortable with. And of course, today Echo needed me to be with her more than usual. Her top choices were: 1. nurse, 2. read a book, and 3. play together. This had already been going on for most of the day, and if you haven’t realized, all of these options involve sitting quietly in one place and giving her my complete focus. Well, when one is mad at the Universe this kind of activity is akin to torture.

Luckily there was an older sister at the ready, and a giant box of play-doh and toys that we had forgotten about for a couple years, to distract her.

And even luckier for me, Nathan and I immediately got involved in moving every single box/bag/thing out of the basement. This may not sound like the perfect remedy for any malady, but let me tell you, there is nothing I like better than clearing out old stuff. And this version meant moving my body, and paving the way for our remodel, something I’ve been thinking about and planning for years.

Moving all those things helped me bridge that yawning gap between expecting something, and then discovering that expectation was not coming true. And the anger that came from that disparity ebbed after only a few trips up and down the basement stairs.

But I’d like to learn to not expect anything, not have anything in mind for how I think things will turn out, not the future, not the day, not bedtime. I think I’d have an easier time. In any case, now I am feeling tired in a good way, satiated by a hearty meal, in love with my partner, and proud of the work we already do/have. Not bad.

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Entry filed under: life lessons. Tags: , , , , .

fake doesn’t count anger is a four letter word

2 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Ivy  |  February 18, 2010 at 8:21 am

    It would be so nice to not have any expectations, but I think that is asking more of yourself than is possible. We think therefore we expect. We expect and therefore feel disappointment. For me even if I get what I was expecting it is never in the exact way I’ve imagined it and so even that brings a level of disappointment. Hmm…..maybe it’s just me and not human nature. Bummer.

    I am sorry you were disappointed, but I enjoy the way you’ve worked yourself out of it. Good for you!

    Reply
  • 2. Joanna Smetanka  |  February 18, 2010 at 4:36 pm

    that must have felt a bit frustrating. putting yourself out there and knowing it was right for you, and not getting it in return. i bet the silver lining will reveal itself, and maybe you will feel relief that it didn’t work out that way in the end. i hope so.

    Reply

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