February 7, 2010 at 9:13 pm 1 comment

I wonder if this happens for you.

One of our children will have a strong upsetting feeling, we give them empathy, and hold them, and they settle a bit, and then that feeling comes lurching back again. Sometimes right away, sometimes later that same day. It’s like a broken record feeling that no amount of “Wow, you’re really upset. You don’t like what’s happening… etc.” can alter or alleviate. These kinds of feelings can be exhausting for both child and parent.

This has been happening for Xi this last week. As evening approaches she nuzzles up to me and says: Nallie, I miss my mom. I don’t like missing my mom. I help her with empathy and talk about her mom and having two homes. But the next night it pops up again, or even again when we lie down to sleep, or again in the morning. Finally I decided to get real curious about this feeling of hers and lay it bare. I asked her some questions. To my surprise she answered with no hesitation.

Me: What color is the feeling?

Xi: Um, dark blue.

Me: What shape is it?

Xi: Heart shaped.

Me: Where is it in your body?

Xi: In my heart. Right in the center. Nestled in a little.

Me: Is it heavy or light?

Xi: Heavy.

Me: Is it cold? Hot? Medium?

Xi: Cold.

Me: Is it one piece or does it have different parts?

Xi: It’s one piece.

Me: Does it have a smell?

Xi: You know the smell of tears? It smells like that.

Me: You don’t like the feeling?

Xi: No.

Me: What do you call it?

Xi: Missing.

Me: Does it make a sound?

Xi: It makes a crying sound that is gentle and quiet.

Me: Does anything make it change or go away?

Xi: When I see my mom it goes away. But then I start to miss Papa.

Me: Does it just go poof? Or go away in bits and pieces?

Xi: It gets crushed like a giant is crushing it. And then later it pops back up smaller.

Me: Is the “Missing Papa” feeling different?

Xi: The same shape as missing my mom. But it’s a little smaller.

Me: Same spot?

Xi: It’s more off to the side. And it’s heavy too and has the same smell and sound.

Me: It goes away when you see Papa again?

Xi: Yeah. It melts like a witch but then tiptoes back in when I know I am leaving him. It’s like I don’t want to leave either home.

Me: Right.

And then… she felt different. She was light and satisfied, finding relief in pinning these feelings down, unmasking them.

I didn’t make this technique up. I’ve learned a lot living with a life coach. I’ve seen Nathan do this with our girls, and I know he has helped many clients who really needed to feel something completely before they could move up and away from it. (Writing this I actually remember him using this method with me while I was pregnant and FREAKING out, in a full panic attack.) But you don’t have to be a coach to use it and help yourself or your own children.

All you need is curiosity.


Entry filed under: Uncategorized. Tags: , , .

I feel… disheartened/rapturous/hormonal odds and ends

1 Comment Add your own

  • 1. Krista  |  February 8, 2010 at 7:46 pm

    Brilliant! Glad you shared this 🙂


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