confessions

November 12, 2009 at 5:00 am 7 comments

snow family
Alright, here’s my confession: I’m thirty three years old, and until today, I had never made a snowman. Can you believe it!!! Well I’m originally from California, is that any excuse?  No?  No I agree, it isn’t. Well… all my children are girls and they like to play make-believe, inside, all through the winter. Is that a legitimate excuse?  No?  No. It isn’t. There is no excuse. I frankly had no idea it was so much fun.

Bright and early Echo peeked out the window and noticed the thin layer of white covering the ground. Against my self preservationist instincts (I hadn’t even made any tea yet), I let her talk me into a foray into the frontyard. I figured she’d stomp around a bit and then we’d head back inside, but she had other ideas. Soon I was rolling a little snowball around our yard picking up leaves and debris as I went. We assembled that first little snowman and Echo said: She is the power mother.

The degree of satisfaction I got from that little snow family stunned me. It was shocking to realize that the activity counted as “making something”. When we trundled back inside I felt as though we had really achieved something.

Oh it seems so silly to put that in writing.

And one more confession: those snowmen? They were the highlight of my day.

Well, actually, I also had an impromptu and really fun conversation with our friend Gabe today too, but when I left the coffee shop, the smile on my face faded a lot faster than I would like. I found myself almost immediately down again. When I look back on the graph of the day, there was a spike of happiness around those snowmen and another later with Gabe, but the in between parts were flat and low.

I’m grateful for my life and easily count the ways as I go to bed each night. I am immeasurably moved by the riches that surround me, and especially the warm bundle of Echo that is snuggled up next to me as I make my list, but lately there has been a lens that has slipped over my eyes, dulling the brightness. Money worries mostly, but the lens makes all the usual stuff, dog hair on the couch, dishes in the sink, a little heavier too.

I share this with you, not for sympathy – please, please, do not give me any – but because I’d like to be a power mother too. I like to think that power lies in feeling something, no matter what that is, and owning it, not passing it off to your children, not leaving it at your partner’s feet, not hurling it at the dog when he shakes mud on your pants. Power lies in experiencing it, even if “it” might be heavy or ugly, or even embarrassing.

I share this with you, beautiful readers, because to share this with you, is to accept that this is where I am today.

power mother

Advertisements

Entry filed under: favorites. Tags: , , , , , .

you snooze, i lose…? empathy delivery

7 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Hilaree  |  November 12, 2009 at 6:41 am

    Oh. Dear. I just love this. I’m feeling the lumpy, mouth slightly askew snowman persona lately too. (this is not sympathy)

    Peace to you and your family.

    Reply
  • 2. Hilaree  |  November 12, 2009 at 6:44 am

    Although…now that I’m rereading my post….I realize that the picture of the snowman YOU posted is the Power Mother. She actually looks quite serene. Imperfect. Kind of dirty. But there’s happiness brewing right under the surface. Maybe even mischief.

    Reply
  • 3. Ivy  |  November 12, 2009 at 7:57 am

    The snow family is adorable — but I’m quite content to send cat-tail seeds through the are with the kids and hold off on the snow for as long as possible. I feel awe at how calmly and comfortably you inhabit all of your emotions. I often feel that sense of down and discontent(?) or blah. I never know exactly what to do to get out of it and I feel like I really should get out of it. I guess I assumed that just being present in it was wallowing. I like the idea that it is not — it is just being. Even if the being doesn’t feel particularly good.

    Reply
  • 4. Alyssa  |  November 12, 2009 at 9:31 am

    This place of power deserves some reflection on my part, I find it so difficult to be content with feelings of discomfort/awkwardness,etc…thanks for sharing this.

    On another note – I hear you about the snow people…I haven’t experienced the joy of some good times in the snow. But, let’s also give it up for sand castles 🙂

    Reply
  • 5. Joanna Smetanka  |  November 12, 2009 at 2:56 pm

    can totally relate to the ho-hums, and money related stress. It feels sucky to let something like money affect you in such a profound way, but it does. i struggle with it constantly. and i TOTALLY relate to the feeling of everthing else (dirty house) feeling much heavier with the underlying blues. but, honestly, i have to admit, I sort of savor the downs almost as much as the highs. it makes me more introspective, it makes the high’s that much higher, and it feels natural and good to FEEL what we as human beings are suppose to feel. some of the most powerful art, literature, and creative masterpieces were created out of these dark and heavy places. i think in our culture we often think that if we are sad, we should be medicated, like sadness is a chemical imbalance. sadness is real, and necessary. i guess that is why i kinda secretly like being sad. it’s kinda like going through natural childbirth and feeling every bit of pain along with the elation. i want to feel ALL of it. not just the good times. thanks for the post, it helped me put that into perspective for myself. and i loved the snow family.

    Reply
  • 6. Michelle S  |  November 12, 2009 at 9:47 pm

    This was such a great post to read after sending and receiving a heavier than intended email to a -sort of- family member. My eyes, heavy and red from the tears, but oh how I am feeling the power mother! Standing up strong for something you feel is important, stirring the pot, and nudging even poking us out of our comfort zone. Awkward and uncomfortable? yes. Powerful and heavy. Most definitely. Thank you.

    Reply
  • 7. Kris  |  November 13, 2009 at 9:23 pm

    Snowmen before tea in the morning! I’m totally impressed. I hope I can do the same for my son when we get our first snowfall here (not that I’m in a rush for that).

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Trackback this post  |  Subscribe to the comments via RSS Feed


Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 31 other followers


%d bloggers like this: