October 8, 2009 at 6:22 am 2 comments


Is absent a feeling?

Is blank?

Well in any case that’s how I’ve been feeling today. Just, sort of, not there. Which, of course, is a really difficult place to parent from, and almost an impossible place to parent well from. But I was trying. Trying but not really succeeding. And the girls were having an evening where they did everything BUT play quietly by themselves. Seems the more I yearned to float away into the glow of the ceiling light, the more they wanted me to not just see them but PLAY in the most involved and interactive way.

I was just about to lose it and declare that I just did not feel like playing, which I hate to do, seems like the most buzzkill thing a parent can say, and usually doesn’t work, when I was SAVED by a little game called “Patient”. Ah yes. The game where I lay there and get tended to by the sweetest doctors in town. A game that tonight met all needs, my need to be less interactive and their needs for connection and time near and on my body.

They twittered, chattered, soothed, twiddled with instruments, patted my cheek, and I took deep breaths and felt myself finally land on the ground, finally enter this space where the rest of my family was waiting for me. I was diagnosed with a hole in my heart, a bleeding heart, and an allergy in my ear. Though these were dire prognostications I still hoped they’d find more things wrong with me, more grave ailments so that their sweet murmurs and tender ministrations would never end.

No longer blank. Not sure what I am feeling, but definitely not blank.

Entry filed under: Uncategorized. Tags: , , .

for fun i feel…grateful

2 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Ivy  |  October 8, 2009 at 9:15 am

    I have felt that way many times. It is an uncomfortable place to be. Those are the moments I want to be selfish and take for myself even though I have no idea what I would want to do, and yet I cannot go away from them. I really liked the peaceful way you came back.

  • 2. kris  |  October 8, 2009 at 8:55 pm

    we were having exactly the same kind of evening! noticing my thoughts of “i’m done” “i dont’ like this” “i don’t want to do this anymore” and how UNhelpful those thoughts are. coming back again and again to this moment right here, which is actually quite fine after all. (well, this moment when they are in bed and i’m sipping wine is even more fine, but you know what i mean.)
    love you


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