do over…

September 19, 2009 at 3:56 am 5 comments

crying_is_okay_here1At the park this week there was a boy who didn’t want to leave when his mom wanted to. He ended up in a ball of weeping rage in the sand, while the mom waited, arms crossed, near their bike. There was screaming, crying, and then eventually a pin down and strap down maneuver into the bike trailer.

That was yesterday and it keeps popping into my mind. Such an ordinary event really, basically common. But I thought I’d look at it again and describe to myself what I WANT in that scenario.

For the little boy:

I want his mom to give him several indications of the time frame he is working with before it’s actually time to leave. I want him to feel safe being mad about leaving. I want his mom to cross that park, sit in that dusty sand in her skirt and hold him while he cries. I want her to say: “you’re really sad about leaving. You really want to stay longer. You’re not ready to leave. You’re really mad.” I want her to say these things again and again and again without making any moves to leave. I want mom and son to work together to find a way to leave the park.

For the mom:

I want her inner friendly self empathy voice to say: “darn it! It’s so hard when your kid has a different idea! You really are ready to leave. You have been here a long time. You don’t want to stay even a minute longer. Wow, you are embarrassed because your child is in a screaming crying heap and three mama’s and a papa are watching.”. I want mom and son to work together to find a way to leave the park.

For me: I want there to be no taboo that prevents me from saying any of those things to that mom, or from going to that boy and rubbing his back while he cried. I feel sad about that.

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Entry filed under: empathy, parenting principles. Tags: , , , , .

for you aila love and clutter

5 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Hilaree  |  September 20, 2009 at 1:27 am

    Oh, this was a great post. It makes me so sad too when I see this..and it really does happen all the time. Sometimes I will actually say something to the mama, depending on how I’m reading the situation – just a friendly, “It’s so hard to leave the park, my son always has a hard time too…” You know. Without actually offering up advice. Sometimes it has disarmed the mama enough so that we can talk a bit. But just sometimes. When I’m feeling brave.

    It’s always hard too on my children when they see this in public. Or when a parent is screaming at a child in public, we say a quick prayer for them in a little huddle, just us, quietly.

    Peace to you. Thank you for the wonderful work you are doing. It is very, very needed.

    Reply
  • 2. Nichole  |  September 21, 2009 at 6:54 pm

    I am a part of a group of moms and kids that try to parent naturally. We have been really talking about things like this and what are the better ways to guiding our littles.

    Thanks for your site. I really enjoy reading and learn a lot.

    Reply
    • 3. klaroche  |  September 23, 2009 at 3:14 am

      hi nichole.
      thanks so much for your response. it is so fun to connect with people like you!
      with love
      kris

      Reply
  • 4. Marirose  |  September 29, 2009 at 8:29 pm

    Thanks for this lovely post. I thought about it for a long time and experienced many emotions while doing so.

    It is difficult to see someone parenting differently than you would like them to. When this happens, I try to remember that everyone is at a different stage in their evolution as people and that these people are right where they need to be at this point in their lives. I, like Hilaree, also try to offer support when I see someone experiencing difficulties. I have also made similar comments to hers; “Sometimes we have a hard time, too, when it’s time to leave.”

    It’s hard to know what other folks’ lives are like. Clearly, this mom wants her son to have a fun day — they came to the park! It is time to go, now. Transitions can be hard for everyone. This transition was so hard for this little boy and this mom and everyone got to watch them struggle. I wonder if she felt embarrassed. I wonder if she thought she was being judged.

    I felt many emotions for this mom and child because I have been this mom. Thanks for the opportunity to feel them and try to understand them!

    Warmly, Marirose

    Reply
    • 5. nataliechristensen  |  September 30, 2009 at 6:16 am

      Oh thank you Marirose for your participation in these blogs. I am really enjoying processing these topics in this community with you and the others that are chiming in. It feels wonderful.
      Sincerely,
      Natalie

      Reply

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